Today, I’ve almost completed something I’ve been physically working on for months, and mentally for years. It’s a project I codenamed BlueMetamorphosis.
I’ve exhausted all the little time I had for it. I’ve compromised everything in my life for the project and time has come to pay back. And, believe me, there’s a lot to pay.
Why do I have to payback?
I had signed off from my job for it. I have shut myself into extreme introversion for it. People dislike me, as if it’s their right to see me talking to them. Things are breaking apart. Life is disintegrating. I have consumed my air. I’m at a dead-end. I have to make a choice between paying back this social debt for getting back my earlier life, the “normal” life, or continue treading the path I’m on now and end up becoming a dead man to the world.
I cannot make a choice.
Like always, I’m trying to evade the conflict by finding someone or something to blame. This time it’s the fundamental social norms that I’m blaming. So fundamental as people talking to people. I’ve ended up blaming my family, and all those people who care, for their ‘care’. Malignantly nagging care. For their offense to my way of life, of solitude. Am I hurting people? All I’m doing is work. Work that pleases me. Work that aims at fixing all the wrong that surrounds me and my nation. Work that tricks me into believing that life has purpose and makes me continue living it. Work that, like some narcotic, shuts down my consciousness of the more painful things in life. But such work, for all that magic, ends up being incompatible with ‘normal’ life. Loved ones see it as a rival to love. I cannot argue about it with people thinking that they know better about whats good for me. Seeing Pakistan being what it is, I seriously doubt her people know any better what’s better. So yes, it’s the Pakistani mind that I’m blaming.
I thought I deserved continued being loved despite the harmless things I do.
Anyway, to cut the story short…
Today was supposed to be a day of secret celebration for something dramatic that I’ve accomplished. It isn’t.